A Surrendered Heart

Hey there I’m Inessa and I was a first-year student at Kingdom Domain College. It was at this school that I learned about my true identity and how to hear the voice of God. I came from a religious background where God remained a mystery to me, but during those nine months of bible school, God began to reveal His heart for us. This is a personal testimony of How I came to know and understand God’s heart through worship. 

Before I knew anything about worship I was a nine-year-old singing old hymns from an old hymn book that had been taped up from previous damage. Before I encountered the presence of God I would just sing along with everyone without knowing who I am singing to. My journey of seeking more of God took a turn for the better when I joined KDC and for nine months He took me deeper into His presence. Throughout the worship sessions, I would notice how wrong I had been about God. I didn’t know the truth and I didn’t know who I was. For as long as I can remember I had believed that God would get angry with me for messing up. Every time I sinned I would beat myself up and the guilt would push me further away from God. I always thought that God was most proud of me when I served more or did more for Him. My worship for Him stemmed from a place of fear and guilt. I thought that if I worshipped more I would be a better person and God would love me more this way. Every worship set I would experience God in some way, whether it was hearing His voice, or seeing a vision, or simply just being in His presence I learned so much about Him. Whenever He would pour His love over me and tell me how much I mean to Him it blew my mind. How could this incredible and mighty God that I once pictured as angry and vengeful be such a kind and gentle Father that holds me in His arms, that protects me from danger, and one that has unconditional love. 

I recall a specific worship set where I felt the love of God come upon me. We were singing the song “Holy, Holy, Are you, Lord God Almighty.” It was then that I felt Him speaking to me a love that I never knew existed. This love opened my eyes to the truth I so longed to know, it was Jesus. At that moment I knew Jesus was right there with me telling me how loved I am. Previous to that moment I had been feeling distant from God comparing myself to others and judging myself internally. As I was struggling to find God’s presence in the worship, that’s when He met me. He told me, “I love you.” Those simple words left a deep impact. When He said those three words I just let it all go and what I mean by that is, I had to surrender my fear of what people would think of me. This fear held me back from fully experiencing God, so I let go of my surroundings, of my control, and I just let His presence overtake me. I began to weep like a child because I realized that this Holy God I am singing to, Loves me! And, I didn’t do anything to deserve it, all I did was show up. He is the one who showed up with more than I expected. I physically laid down on my face and experienced the Father's loving embrace, and to me that was worship. To let it all go and just be with Him, after all, that is what He really wants.

Whenever I would search for Him with all my heart He would meet me, but whenever I strived with my own strength I would get frustrated and worn out. Striving is when we struggle or fight for something, yet God tells us to surrender. I would fight for His presence, I would fight to hear his voice by singing louder, or saying words and phrases that I thought would get His attention when all God wanted was my heart. I would fight my guilt and worry when God says “Come to me all who are burdened and weary and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28-30. You see it wasn’t about the words I was singing, or how loud I was, or the way I physically expressed it, it was about my heart. Where was my heart when I was singing Worthy is your name? How did my heart view God or feel towards Him? I began to notice how my heart towards God was changing. When I let go and allowed God to move, that is when I experienced Him the most. It was in that surrendered place in my heart where He would tell me secrets that He’s always longed to share with me. It was where I would hear Him say, “My daughter, I just want your heart.” 

Having a surrendered heart is where you end and God begins. One thing that I kept hearing at KDC was surrender. Whenever I would come to worship in the mornings one challenge that I and others around me would face was surrendering everything before our God. To let go of worries and problems that we all face daily is hard to do because we want answers, we want solutions but God just wants to encounter us. When we hold onto something whether that be a worry we are dealing with or a sin we struggle with, it steals our focus from God. With every worship set, I constantly had to surrender to be with Jesus, to experience him I had to let go of my fear of people's opinions and allow God to move in my heart. I didn’t want to care what people thought of me anymore, I just wanted more of God. It was here at Kingdom Domain college where the worship leaders, staff, and pastors would remind us and speak over us the true meaning of surrender. If you are reading this right now and you want to truly experience the presence of God, it is available to you. Believe that God wants to reveal himself to you more than you could ever imagine. He wants to experience you and above anything else He loves you. Having a surrendered heart is where He will meet you. Sign up now at kdcglobal.org and begin your journey of surrender. Check out our blog post called "How Old is God? What is God's Age?"